Numb

Linkin' Park does a great job of expressing what I feel like every single day at L. By the way, awesome song too!!!

NUMB

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I knowI may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Mama I'm Comin' Home

12 days left. Need I say more???

Am I a Misfit?

When I look around me I wonder whether I will ever fit in. And no, this is not about me having an inferiority or superiority complex.

Let's start at the beginning - School. I had my usual group of friends. We'd occassionally meet up over a weekend, usually for a movie and lunch. As we got older, these turned into late night parties. I'll be honest when I say that I didn't attend many of these. Perhaps this was one reason why I ended up on the periphery of the friends circle. Another reason I can attribute my diminishing presence on the social front was that I realized how important academics was at that time in my life. I'm proud to say that I balanced my studies with my social life, not overdoing or underdoing either of them. This was something nobody seemed to be able to digest. For them, it was one way or the other. The party goers were not more than average in studies and the studious ones were loners. I got stuck somewhere in the middle and lost my friends.

College came next. I did extremely well in school by the end of it all and got into the best college for my choice of subjects. This was a totally different world for me. Having grown up in a coeducational school, a girls' college took some getting used to. I enjoyed every moment of it though and have made few but long lasting friends there. Here, too, there were times I felt I stood out. Be it elections for the Students Union or studying for the CAT or even taking up dance and french in addition to the workload I already had. Add to that a boyfriend I had for 4 years. Again, it all paid off and I got into L. I won't lie and tell you that I was thrilled. I was definitely disappointed, but "something's better than nothing".

The next chapter of my life is the one that led me to write this blog anyway. To be publicly embarrassed at L was more than I could take. To return has been harder than anything I have ever had to do. In fact, I doubt anything will ever be harder. I have worked my a$% off here and I still don't feel a part of this place. Sitting in one corner of my class, I feel like an outsider. My previous batch has reached far beyond me and I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of the 2 batches.

Again, I lose my identity in a crowd.

Free Time? What's That?

10 days away from the grind is more than manna from heaven. I managed to get 9 whole days at home and they whizzed past as all good things do.

As I talk about home and realize that I miss my folks and my little sister, I can't help but rewind back to when this blog started. I hated home and anything even remotely related to it. But life works in mysterious ways and I count the days to when I can go home again. It's a combination of 2 soppy sentences I have heard time and again and have only now come to relate to. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" and "The home is where the heart is" manage to capture what I feel right now.

I know it's been ages since I wrote. Honestly, I missed it. Many a times I was itching to write a post, but something or the other kept coming in the way. To justify my position, all I can say is that the 3 weeks preceding my end term exams were weeks with no holidays. The coveted Sunday was snatched away as extra classes were held. With not even a day's break before exams, I was exhausted by the time I reached back home.

But now that the term has just begun I am rejuvenated and can manage to salvage a little time to pen down my thoughts, feelings and experiences. With Summer Placements right around the corner and mid term exams following closely, I wonder how much time I will ultimately have.

But I'm not complaining. In fact, I enjoy the commotion and the skurrying around. As they say "An empty mind is a devil's workshop". Luckily, my time hasn't come yet!!!

What's Become of the World?

I have an exam tomorrow, and am at a loss. A dilemma presents itself. Should I sleep or stay awake through the night? The latter will ensure that I am rested, but will also put an end to studying. If I choose to stay awake, it will result in anything but time well spent. Not a word will be assimilated.

As I sit staring at my computer screen I wonder where I am and why I try so hard. Life takes you to places you never expect to see. It's definitely a bumpy ride, and you can never get used to the journey. That's the bad part about it. As soon as you settle down and accept things for how they are, something comes and shakes it all up for you.

The most radical changes are usually seen in the people around you. Take, for instance, a certain professor who was feared last year. A mere 6 months down the line he was an angel. I was taken aback and as I came to accept and appreciate the man, things changed. The exam paper he set for us was disturbing to say the very least. But then, perhaps I'm biased. Another professor was known to be someone who thought out of the box. Sticking to the age-old education system was not what he seemed to believe in. However, as he teaches me this year, I can see that he is not the person I expected him to be. I don't have a personal frame of reference, but I think it should suffice that I've discussed the situation with people familiar with his teaching style.

But then one thing keeps bothering me. Have I changed too?