The One That Scared Me

Ayn Rand terrified me as a child. The size of her books with the tiny print seemed like an invitation to hours of boredom. But now, having thoroughly enjoyed Atlas Shrugged a few months ago, I am ready to devour The Fountainhead. Surprisingly, I studied excerpts from Rand's books in my final year in college. Economics does expose you to a lot of good writing!!!

Rethinking My Choices

Probably the 1st anti-war novel I have read, I'm astonished at how much I'm enjoying this one. Perhaps my decision to stay away from this genre of books was a bad one.

Not Bad At All

Food, drinks and friends...what more do you need to make a party worth attending? And last night there was plenty of everything. The place was great ("he" and I would like to take credit for that!!!). The people were awesome. So finally some doubts that I had can be laid to rest. I missed "the beard" though. I wish he was there with us. I'll see him in less than 2 weeks now and I can't wait.

Ok, I'm going off on a tangent now. Back on track. The way I am, I would have mulled over the party for the next few days and then ended up writing about it once it had lost it's charm. But thanks to a new friend, I decided to do it now itself. In hindsight, it's not such a bad idea after all.

I think I'll start with the complaining bit first, so feel free to skip this paragraph. The music was bad, and was extremely loud. The music system was screwed up. The lights were turned off in between and I have no idea why that was done. Astonishingly, it was done just as everyone decided to grab a plate for dinner. Hmmmm...that makes me wonder about what was actually served. Alright, I realized I went too far. The food was good. But the one thing I really didn't enjoy was the "Intro" Session. Prior to that everyone was mingling and talking to each other. As soon as the microphone was brought in, the energy level in the room dipped to a low. It wasn't as much fun thereafter. Hard luck...but who am I to complain...I get to spend the next 2 years with these people and thankfully I'll get to know them without them dancing to "maar daala". By the way, I enjoyed the rendition!!!

I heaved a sigh of relief as I sauntered around the room last night. I hate the fact that I have to go through the process of making friends again. Don't misinterpret this. I enjoy meeting new people and making friends. So you can imagine how relieved I was to see normal people at the party. I ended up talking to quite a few, and I had a nice time. I'm not all negative anymore. Most of them seemed down-to-earth, which is great. Looking foward to the Rems now!!!

Party Time

Today's the day of the Alumni-Freshers Party. Someone with very bad taste decided to call it "Milaap". I think it's a very very corny name, and the idea of universalizing it is cornier. But everyone's entitled to their opinion, and since I don't enjoy the importance of deciding such things I might as well satisfy myself by speaking my mind.

The last meet was at Dilli Haat. That was more of an informal do. For the seniors it ended up being a reunion more than anything else. And the freshers seemed very overwhelmed by the whole idea of being associated with L. It was cute, though. I remember being tongue-tied the first time I stepped into campus. I had not had the privilege of being invited to the Party last year, so I knew noone there. Basically, I started from scratch.

I hope tonight ends up being more interactive than the last get-together. I'm signing off now to decide what to wear. I'll be leaving in about 3 hours. Is that enough time to decide? Honestly, there's never enough time, and I invariably end up feeling that I should have worn the other outfit/s I'd decided on. As they say - "WOMEN!!!".

Fasten Your Seatbelts

The time has almost come for me to set foot in L again. Will I meet the devil again, or will I manage to escape unscathed? Watch this space for updates!!! 2 weeks left...

A Retraction Perhaps...

In view of the reactions I have received from people who have read my blog, I want to clarify that my posts have nothing to do with weakness of character. In fact, I've been bold enough to remove the veil and express what I feel inside. I know there are many others who have shared my misery and who may prefer to keep things to themselves. I am proud to say that I possess the strength to carry me on. There are always moments of weakness and vulnerability, but the real courage is seen in getting through it all and accepting their presence in your life. As I've said before, I have nothing to hide. Through this blog you'll get to see every side of me, even my weak one which I am not in a hurry to conceal. Sometimes your moments of weakness are your strongest...

It's About Time

On my desk I have a calendar that has a different thought for every day of the year. Some make sense to me and some don't. Today's entry is awesome. It says, "Never confuse a mere bend in the road with the end of the line". Perhaps a change in perspective is what I needed, and the saying is appropriate for my situation. No more will I whine about my predicament. Instead, I will attempt to look at things around me from the "half-full" angle. Let the optimism begin!!!

Nothing Remains Hidden

Below is a post I'd written about a week ago. Unsure about whether I should publish it or not, I left it as it was. Since I am an open book, I guess it's only right to publish that as well. So here goes...

"Liability

Have you ever felt like a burden? Well I have. I still am. I'm a liability for the people around me. What do I have to give to them? Nothing. They've given me the world, their lives. And all I have ended up as is a scavenger."

A Higher Power

Do I believe in God? This is a question I have still not been able to answer. Like most people, I'd remember God in times when I needed Him the most. But as I grew older I realized that I was being mighty selfish. What was to happen when life was smooth sailing and I didn't need to pray for help? Did I just ignore him? Unfortunately, I answered "yes".

So I decided to pray everyday. Atleast that way when I needed help and guidance it wouldn't seem selfish. But this itself was inherently selfish. It was then that i battled within me to figure out whether I believed in God or not.

Frankly, I still don't know. I do believe in the presence of a higher power. Many people prefer to call that God. I, for one, prefer not to give it a name. As long as I believe in the existence of that something, I feel somewhat secure.

Perhaps what I'm talking about is not present and has been conjured up by the human mind. As a species we may prefer not to take responsibility for what happens in our lives. We may not want to acknowledge the fact that we are the sole reason for whatever turns our lives take. Believing in an invisible entity could be our way of shifting responsibility and enabling ourselves to point the accusing finger at someone, someone who cannot point it back. By believing in God, we are absolving ourselves of all blame.

But we still seek solace in that higher being, that being that I cannot give form or a name to. I too believe that I am being watched over.

Is This The End?

I feel like I've arrived at a dead-end. It's felt like this for a long time now. Earlier I'd backed up and tried another route, perhaps a way out. But I'd end up at the wall again. I tried various combinations to escape, but I invariably landed up a the place I was trying to run away from. So I decided to face it. And then I walked right into it. I banged my nose first, and that hurt. So I jumped at it headlong. I rammed into it everyday. Sometimes I wished I'd break it down, and sometimes I wanted to walk through it, like magic. But I think most of the times I wanted to perish while trying to make it through. I'm down to my last ounce of energy and I don't think I can carry on anymore. I have a funny feeling that at a distance is a door. But I can't muster up enough courage to go the distance. This is the end for me.

Mood Swings

Sometimes I feel like I could just burst. Everything inside me just screams to come out. And in an instant that feeling disappears. It recurs a while later, and so the cycle continues. What constitutes a mood swing and why does it happen? People close to me are aware of my volatile moods and the wide oscillations I experience. No, I'm not a bitch. I anger easily and am quick to cool down. To be honest, I'm better today than I was a year ago. The swings remain, but they have reduced in intensity. But all the same, there are times when everything around me is perfect, but I suddenly want to shout out for no reason at all. Mood swings? Or perhaps there's more to it. I think I'll ponder over this for a while.

It's Been A While

Well well...I've been the epitome of laziness lately. Have been doing nothing at all. I burnt 2 cds with songs. And am now more obsessed than ever about Neopets. If you want to take a look, jump to neopets.com. I have a pet unicorn. And ya!!! If you want to join up, be sure to tell me so. Please don't sign up without an invitation from me. I get cool stuff for doing so.

So ya, I guess you can gauge how bored I am. Can't wait to get back to L. I really truly hate the place, but that's a huge hurdle I have to cross before I move on with my life. Speaking of moving on, that's the hardest thing one ever has to do. I am not proud to say that I have a hard time getting over things. My mind works overtime anyway. And being idle is the worst thing that could happen to me. But here I am, twiddling my thumbs, with nothing to do at all. We yearn for a time like this, but I am hating it right now. I always wanted to take a break willingly. But this is the pits.

More later...

What A Day!!!

One of my closest friends left India for Singapore about 2 years ago. She tries to come across once a year and we are constantly in touch. As a surprise move, she landed up in India a week ago. I met her today. In fact, she came home unannounced. Not that I care...I actually liked it. She brought along with her an old friend of hers. I know him too, so it was great. We caught up on old times and basically talked about everything under the sun. I desperately needed this change. Staying cooped up at home is depressing.

We went out for a nice, but expensive Italian lunch. I ate cheesy baked pasta and drank iced tea. I have to compensate for all that by eating minimal amounts of food in the coming 2 weeks. Maybe I'll move my butt and start going for walks. But the weather is back to being killing. The nice breezy weather seems to be a thing of the past now. Help me!!! My jeans don't fit anymore!!!