"He" Came!!!

As luck would have it, "he" came to meet me. I didn't really expect him to land up. The distance is quite a bit to get up and come over on a whim. But "he" did!!! It was so wonderful. All my worries were gone. I was happy again. We went out for an hour or so. A long walk, the most brilliant thing I could have asked for. He left at dinner time, though most reluctantly for both of us. "He" met up with an old friend. I wanted to go too. But a family dinner was on the cards...

A month and a half more until we're together again, with no qualms about rules and other committments!!!

The weather outside is brilliant. No sun, and a cool breeze. I spoke to "him" on the phone. But I doubt there's any way we can meet up today... Let's wait and see what happens.

Ho Hum

Long day...and it's only 4 o'clock in the evening. I was barely 2 kms away from "him" and yet couldn't meet him. "He's" not here next week. And that means we'll have to go a whole 3 weeks before we get to see each other again. I'm complaining simply because I find it silly that I'm restricted by rules at home. Ironically, the rules are implied. One can interpret them as one wishes. But with my luck, I always get screwed.

I was at my grandparents' place today. Aunt and cousin came along too. Did nothing. Slept prior to lunch while everyone else enjoyed each other's company. I barely ate anything for lunch. Nibbled on things. The diet's still on, sort of. And I choose not to eat when I'm sulking. It's my way of showing defiance. Post lunch I watched TV all alone. Am back home now...as bored as ever. I need to study, but can't find the motivation to. I want to read, but I'm feeling sick too.

"He" said he'd come home to meet me in the evening. I don't know how everyone will take it. "He's" more than welcome at home, but I know everyone grudges me even a little bit of happiness here. I may go out for a walk with "him", or maybe a cup of coffee sounds nice. Can coffee (minus the sugar and milk) make you fat?

I Feel...

In a span of a few hours I'm back again. I guess this is the only place I can talk (in a certain sense) and not feel like I'm talking to myself. However, lately, I do feel like I'm slipping into some realm of insanity. Like right now, for instance, I feel empty. It's as though someone came and sucked the life out of me. I feel sick now just thinking about the state I'm in. My mind's drawing a complete blank and moving is torturous. I can see my bed from where I'm sitting. I can see the book I've been reading these days too. But it seems like too much effort to get up and go there. I want to read, but I can't. My head hurts and my eyes are burning and swollen up. Crying does seem to have a bad influence on the way you feel. I feel like I'm trapped...

Suffocation

I've finally had enough. I'm almost 22 and I should be allowed to make my own decisions. Somehow that's not happening. I wanted to go out in the evening to meet up with my new batchmates. But my plan was thrown out of the window even before the details were brought to light. Thankfully, the plan was postponed to next week. But the person I wanted to go with won't be in town for that. So I guess I won't end up going.

Then, another plan was made. Lunch was meant to be out for me tomorrow. While my mother and sister spent the day at my grandparent's place, I was supposed to meet "him" for lunch. Yet again, my plan was trashed.

I've sat at home for almost 3 months now. I feel so wasted. The only genuine chance I get to go out for sometime is over the weekend, usually on a Saturday. I wanted to travel to Bombay to meet a close friend. He's someone who knows exactly what I'm going through, for he's being put through a similar misery. We're in it together. But they said I was "too young" to travel alone. Apparently I'm not old enough to take a 2 hour flight to meet a friend.

The funny part is that I don't seem to have any power in my life. I'm living my life on someone else's terms. And then people talk about having an "Identity Crisis"!!!

Spirit

I finally got too tired to fight anymore. I'm not one to give up. But when all of them surround you and leave no way to escape, you have no option but to succumb to them. I did resist for a long time. Even when there seemed no way out. But they seemed hell bent on having their way. I ended up bowing my head to them. But not once did I admit that I was wrong, for I never was.

Well, here I am at home. I'm supposed to be "recuperating" but am far from it. I'm due at the Hell Hole in another 2 months. Am I looking forward to it? Ironically, I am.

Lyrics from one of my favourite songs remind me of a better time:

"When the going starts to get rough
And you feel like you've had enough
Let the music take control of your soul
Take a chance and do what you feel
You're a force they cannot live without it
You gotta break the chain yeah yeah
There's a passion inside
An inner strength that drives
Can't nobody take that away from you
It's the greatest high
You set the floor on fire
When you come alive"

I seem to have lost some part of my spirit the day I stopped dancing. I confess that I wasn't amongst the best they had. But I loved being there. For that little amount of time I forgot what or who was around me. Once the music played it was heaven. I've tried many times to match that atmosphere. But all in vain.

The other part of my spirit was lost when I had to cut short my life-long dream. In fact, I didn't really have to cut it short - prolong it is what I had to do. Either way...the damage has been done.

On Tenterhooks

Well...the first question that you may ask about this entry is it's unusual name. Mine is not one that is self explanatory. So allow me to guide you through this.

As human beings we're always waiting for results. It's all a part of life. When we're in school and in college we anxiously await exam results. When we venture out of the education system and attempt to make a living, we are anxious about our next salary raise or promotion. Mostly, however, we lie in wait for a more lucrative opportunity to present itself. And the thread of anxiety continues throughout. When you fall in love - Will he/she? Won't he/she? When you get married and have a baby - Will it be a boy or a girl?

Basically, we live life on tenterhooks. We always wait in anticipation for what lies ahead. We are constantly awaiting the fruits of our labour (provided we put in any). So it seems apt for me to name my blog after an inseparable part of human nature. This is what we are, and perhaps this is what I'll end up presenting as part of my musings here. I hope you enjoy the ride!!!