Tearin' Up My Heart

There are some things I will always regret in my life. But the worst thing I could ever do is hurt someone. But it seems like I end up doing it all the time. Honestly, I'd rather hurt inside than see someone close to me going through hell because of me. Forgive me (you know who you are) for this was the only thing I could have done. It's better than me lying to you...

For The Little One!!!

This one is dedicated to the “little one” at home. It’s been a while since I sounded even a wee bit happy. Well, here it comes. I have 2 exams left and about 3 days left until I get back home. The run up is awesome. I talk to my family almost everyday, something that doesn’t seem sensible during the rest of the term. This time my cousin sister’s over from Australia, and that makes it even more exciting. The measly 7 days I get is never enough and I end up wanting more. The catching up and the making up for lost time is wonderful. While everyone at home wants to go out shop and eat outside, I’d rather stay home and absorb everything to pull me through the 3 months I’ll be away. It’s quite a scene at home when we try to arrive at a compromise. But then, what family doesn’t fight. It’s fun sometimes, and I miss it!!!

Summer is right around the corner. And by that I mean there are 3 months left. That’s not too long considering it’s one whole academic term. Enough stuff to keep one busy. I haven’t really heard from the company I’m doing my internship at. So I have no idea where I’ll be this summer. I so want to be home, something unimaginable 3 years ago.

Well, I better get back to studying for tomorrow’s exam. The last mile is the hardest!!!

P.S. Doodle, tell me if this one’s ok. Your wish is my command, you big bully!!! Nah, kidding! I love you little girl!

In The Middle Of It All

End term exams going on. Found this in the library. Was intrigued. Had heard about it but never knew what it was about. So here I am, all set to start reading with 4 more papers to go. Why aren't my textbooks as interesting as books like these???

The Countdown Continues

It's official!!! 1 week to go!!! Yippie!!!

Look What I Found!!!

While going through my posts I found one saved as a draft. I wonder why I didn't publish it. Will always remain a mystery to me. While I ponder about the mysterious occurrence, you go ahead and read what I almost lost.

"Back To Square One"

June 17, 2005 4:54 pm

Guess who's back...back again!!!

It's been a week since I got back to L. After a dream weekend with my family on campus, it was time for me to face the the storm alone. And that is exactly what I'm doing right now. The weather here is calm and scorching, but also stormy at the same time. With a smile on my face I look as though I don't have a worry in the world. But the real story always unfolds behind closed doors. Thank God for my hostel room!!!

Numb

Linkin' Park does a great job of expressing what I feel like every single day at L. By the way, awesome song too!!!

NUMB

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I knowI may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Mama I'm Comin' Home

12 days left. Need I say more???

Am I a Misfit?

When I look around me I wonder whether I will ever fit in. And no, this is not about me having an inferiority or superiority complex.

Let's start at the beginning - School. I had my usual group of friends. We'd occassionally meet up over a weekend, usually for a movie and lunch. As we got older, these turned into late night parties. I'll be honest when I say that I didn't attend many of these. Perhaps this was one reason why I ended up on the periphery of the friends circle. Another reason I can attribute my diminishing presence on the social front was that I realized how important academics was at that time in my life. I'm proud to say that I balanced my studies with my social life, not overdoing or underdoing either of them. This was something nobody seemed to be able to digest. For them, it was one way or the other. The party goers were not more than average in studies and the studious ones were loners. I got stuck somewhere in the middle and lost my friends.

College came next. I did extremely well in school by the end of it all and got into the best college for my choice of subjects. This was a totally different world for me. Having grown up in a coeducational school, a girls' college took some getting used to. I enjoyed every moment of it though and have made few but long lasting friends there. Here, too, there were times I felt I stood out. Be it elections for the Students Union or studying for the CAT or even taking up dance and french in addition to the workload I already had. Add to that a boyfriend I had for 4 years. Again, it all paid off and I got into L. I won't lie and tell you that I was thrilled. I was definitely disappointed, but "something's better than nothing".

The next chapter of my life is the one that led me to write this blog anyway. To be publicly embarrassed at L was more than I could take. To return has been harder than anything I have ever had to do. In fact, I doubt anything will ever be harder. I have worked my a$% off here and I still don't feel a part of this place. Sitting in one corner of my class, I feel like an outsider. My previous batch has reached far beyond me and I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of the 2 batches.

Again, I lose my identity in a crowd.

Free Time? What's That?

10 days away from the grind is more than manna from heaven. I managed to get 9 whole days at home and they whizzed past as all good things do.

As I talk about home and realize that I miss my folks and my little sister, I can't help but rewind back to when this blog started. I hated home and anything even remotely related to it. But life works in mysterious ways and I count the days to when I can go home again. It's a combination of 2 soppy sentences I have heard time and again and have only now come to relate to. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" and "The home is where the heart is" manage to capture what I feel right now.

I know it's been ages since I wrote. Honestly, I missed it. Many a times I was itching to write a post, but something or the other kept coming in the way. To justify my position, all I can say is that the 3 weeks preceding my end term exams were weeks with no holidays. The coveted Sunday was snatched away as extra classes were held. With not even a day's break before exams, I was exhausted by the time I reached back home.

But now that the term has just begun I am rejuvenated and can manage to salvage a little time to pen down my thoughts, feelings and experiences. With Summer Placements right around the corner and mid term exams following closely, I wonder how much time I will ultimately have.

But I'm not complaining. In fact, I enjoy the commotion and the skurrying around. As they say "An empty mind is a devil's workshop". Luckily, my time hasn't come yet!!!

What's Become of the World?

I have an exam tomorrow, and am at a loss. A dilemma presents itself. Should I sleep or stay awake through the night? The latter will ensure that I am rested, but will also put an end to studying. If I choose to stay awake, it will result in anything but time well spent. Not a word will be assimilated.

As I sit staring at my computer screen I wonder where I am and why I try so hard. Life takes you to places you never expect to see. It's definitely a bumpy ride, and you can never get used to the journey. That's the bad part about it. As soon as you settle down and accept things for how they are, something comes and shakes it all up for you.

The most radical changes are usually seen in the people around you. Take, for instance, a certain professor who was feared last year. A mere 6 months down the line he was an angel. I was taken aback and as I came to accept and appreciate the man, things changed. The exam paper he set for us was disturbing to say the very least. But then, perhaps I'm biased. Another professor was known to be someone who thought out of the box. Sticking to the age-old education system was not what he seemed to believe in. However, as he teaches me this year, I can see that he is not the person I expected him to be. I don't have a personal frame of reference, but I think it should suffice that I've discussed the situation with people familiar with his teaching style.

But then one thing keeps bothering me. Have I changed too?

A Year Older, But Wiser?

'Twas my birthday yesterday. I'm glad I got to ring it in the way I wanted. A nice and peaceful get together with the people I am closest to on campus. There was a little tension in the air between some friends. But it was all overshadowed by the fact that their presence there despite any personal problems meant the most to me. I was awoken from slumber to be greeted and wished by everyone at my door. I sorted myself as well as I could and made myself presentable. The cake, needless to say, was mindblowing!!!

The plan for the evening was to comprise of a quiet dinner with "him" and "the beard". That was cut short by a downpour and poor infrastructure (at a bakery!!!).

In the meantime, I've been trying to get my bearings right on campus (again!!!). Trust me, it's not easy being me. I have unsuccessfully juggled being with both batches. It's so much easier to pretend like nothing's changed and that I'm still a part of the batch of 2006. But as I see my new batchmates around me it finally hits home that they're the people I'll be studying and interacting with for the next 2 years. So I take a deep breath and make an effort to be a part of them. I give up somewhere down the line and slip back to square one. That's not the way it's meant to be.

Strength

I met an old college classmate online last night. It's been 2 years since I spoke to her. I believe that everything that happens does so for a reason. Last night's chance meeting has left me stunned.

We were not very close in college. In fact, we barely ever spoke. I think we knew each other only because of the fact that we were in the same section. Honestly, I don't know all the girls in the other section. Thankfully, I knew everyone in mine. With about 35 girls in my class, I was close to only a handful. The friend I met last night had to retake the 2nd year in college. So, after studying together for 2 years, she went on leave. While I attended college in my final year, she stayed at home and studied. She rejoined after I graduated last year. I met her a couple of times in the vague visits I made to college to collect my marksheet and documents. It was nice to see her, but it left no lasting impression.

Last week I received a forwarded mail to an online group that I have subscribed to. While scrolling down the window I came across a few familiar names. I saw this girl's name there and added her to my messenger list immediately. Little did I know that she'd surprise me beyond belief.

She came online last night and as we caught up on our lives, I was left astonished. Not only had she picked herself up and moved on with her life, but she worked like hell and is now on her way to IIM Indore. The one year lost in between has been forgotten and she has more than redeemed herself. Strength is what I saw in her yesterday and I can truly saw that I have learnt something from someone. Inspired, I have realised how trivial my situation is. Instead of complaining and running down the system, I should channel all that energy into something fruitful. So L, it's about time I arrived!!!

The One That Scared Me

Ayn Rand terrified me as a child. The size of her books with the tiny print seemed like an invitation to hours of boredom. But now, having thoroughly enjoyed Atlas Shrugged a few months ago, I am ready to devour The Fountainhead. Surprisingly, I studied excerpts from Rand's books in my final year in college. Economics does expose you to a lot of good writing!!!

Rethinking My Choices

Probably the 1st anti-war novel I have read, I'm astonished at how much I'm enjoying this one. Perhaps my decision to stay away from this genre of books was a bad one.

Not Bad At All

Food, drinks and friends...what more do you need to make a party worth attending? And last night there was plenty of everything. The place was great ("he" and I would like to take credit for that!!!). The people were awesome. So finally some doubts that I had can be laid to rest. I missed "the beard" though. I wish he was there with us. I'll see him in less than 2 weeks now and I can't wait.

Ok, I'm going off on a tangent now. Back on track. The way I am, I would have mulled over the party for the next few days and then ended up writing about it once it had lost it's charm. But thanks to a new friend, I decided to do it now itself. In hindsight, it's not such a bad idea after all.

I think I'll start with the complaining bit first, so feel free to skip this paragraph. The music was bad, and was extremely loud. The music system was screwed up. The lights were turned off in between and I have no idea why that was done. Astonishingly, it was done just as everyone decided to grab a plate for dinner. Hmmmm...that makes me wonder about what was actually served. Alright, I realized I went too far. The food was good. But the one thing I really didn't enjoy was the "Intro" Session. Prior to that everyone was mingling and talking to each other. As soon as the microphone was brought in, the energy level in the room dipped to a low. It wasn't as much fun thereafter. Hard luck...but who am I to complain...I get to spend the next 2 years with these people and thankfully I'll get to know them without them dancing to "maar daala". By the way, I enjoyed the rendition!!!

I heaved a sigh of relief as I sauntered around the room last night. I hate the fact that I have to go through the process of making friends again. Don't misinterpret this. I enjoy meeting new people and making friends. So you can imagine how relieved I was to see normal people at the party. I ended up talking to quite a few, and I had a nice time. I'm not all negative anymore. Most of them seemed down-to-earth, which is great. Looking foward to the Rems now!!!

Party Time

Today's the day of the Alumni-Freshers Party. Someone with very bad taste decided to call it "Milaap". I think it's a very very corny name, and the idea of universalizing it is cornier. But everyone's entitled to their opinion, and since I don't enjoy the importance of deciding such things I might as well satisfy myself by speaking my mind.

The last meet was at Dilli Haat. That was more of an informal do. For the seniors it ended up being a reunion more than anything else. And the freshers seemed very overwhelmed by the whole idea of being associated with L. It was cute, though. I remember being tongue-tied the first time I stepped into campus. I had not had the privilege of being invited to the Party last year, so I knew noone there. Basically, I started from scratch.

I hope tonight ends up being more interactive than the last get-together. I'm signing off now to decide what to wear. I'll be leaving in about 3 hours. Is that enough time to decide? Honestly, there's never enough time, and I invariably end up feeling that I should have worn the other outfit/s I'd decided on. As they say - "WOMEN!!!".

Fasten Your Seatbelts

The time has almost come for me to set foot in L again. Will I meet the devil again, or will I manage to escape unscathed? Watch this space for updates!!! 2 weeks left...

A Retraction Perhaps...

In view of the reactions I have received from people who have read my blog, I want to clarify that my posts have nothing to do with weakness of character. In fact, I've been bold enough to remove the veil and express what I feel inside. I know there are many others who have shared my misery and who may prefer to keep things to themselves. I am proud to say that I possess the strength to carry me on. There are always moments of weakness and vulnerability, but the real courage is seen in getting through it all and accepting their presence in your life. As I've said before, I have nothing to hide. Through this blog you'll get to see every side of me, even my weak one which I am not in a hurry to conceal. Sometimes your moments of weakness are your strongest...

It's About Time

On my desk I have a calendar that has a different thought for every day of the year. Some make sense to me and some don't. Today's entry is awesome. It says, "Never confuse a mere bend in the road with the end of the line". Perhaps a change in perspective is what I needed, and the saying is appropriate for my situation. No more will I whine about my predicament. Instead, I will attempt to look at things around me from the "half-full" angle. Let the optimism begin!!!

Nothing Remains Hidden

Below is a post I'd written about a week ago. Unsure about whether I should publish it or not, I left it as it was. Since I am an open book, I guess it's only right to publish that as well. So here goes...

"Liability

Have you ever felt like a burden? Well I have. I still am. I'm a liability for the people around me. What do I have to give to them? Nothing. They've given me the world, their lives. And all I have ended up as is a scavenger."

A Higher Power

Do I believe in God? This is a question I have still not been able to answer. Like most people, I'd remember God in times when I needed Him the most. But as I grew older I realized that I was being mighty selfish. What was to happen when life was smooth sailing and I didn't need to pray for help? Did I just ignore him? Unfortunately, I answered "yes".

So I decided to pray everyday. Atleast that way when I needed help and guidance it wouldn't seem selfish. But this itself was inherently selfish. It was then that i battled within me to figure out whether I believed in God or not.

Frankly, I still don't know. I do believe in the presence of a higher power. Many people prefer to call that God. I, for one, prefer not to give it a name. As long as I believe in the existence of that something, I feel somewhat secure.

Perhaps what I'm talking about is not present and has been conjured up by the human mind. As a species we may prefer not to take responsibility for what happens in our lives. We may not want to acknowledge the fact that we are the sole reason for whatever turns our lives take. Believing in an invisible entity could be our way of shifting responsibility and enabling ourselves to point the accusing finger at someone, someone who cannot point it back. By believing in God, we are absolving ourselves of all blame.

But we still seek solace in that higher being, that being that I cannot give form or a name to. I too believe that I am being watched over.

Is This The End?

I feel like I've arrived at a dead-end. It's felt like this for a long time now. Earlier I'd backed up and tried another route, perhaps a way out. But I'd end up at the wall again. I tried various combinations to escape, but I invariably landed up a the place I was trying to run away from. So I decided to face it. And then I walked right into it. I banged my nose first, and that hurt. So I jumped at it headlong. I rammed into it everyday. Sometimes I wished I'd break it down, and sometimes I wanted to walk through it, like magic. But I think most of the times I wanted to perish while trying to make it through. I'm down to my last ounce of energy and I don't think I can carry on anymore. I have a funny feeling that at a distance is a door. But I can't muster up enough courage to go the distance. This is the end for me.

Mood Swings

Sometimes I feel like I could just burst. Everything inside me just screams to come out. And in an instant that feeling disappears. It recurs a while later, and so the cycle continues. What constitutes a mood swing and why does it happen? People close to me are aware of my volatile moods and the wide oscillations I experience. No, I'm not a bitch. I anger easily and am quick to cool down. To be honest, I'm better today than I was a year ago. The swings remain, but they have reduced in intensity. But all the same, there are times when everything around me is perfect, but I suddenly want to shout out for no reason at all. Mood swings? Or perhaps there's more to it. I think I'll ponder over this for a while.

It's Been A While

Well well...I've been the epitome of laziness lately. Have been doing nothing at all. I burnt 2 cds with songs. And am now more obsessed than ever about Neopets. If you want to take a look, jump to neopets.com. I have a pet unicorn. And ya!!! If you want to join up, be sure to tell me so. Please don't sign up without an invitation from me. I get cool stuff for doing so.

So ya, I guess you can gauge how bored I am. Can't wait to get back to L. I really truly hate the place, but that's a huge hurdle I have to cross before I move on with my life. Speaking of moving on, that's the hardest thing one ever has to do. I am not proud to say that I have a hard time getting over things. My mind works overtime anyway. And being idle is the worst thing that could happen to me. But here I am, twiddling my thumbs, with nothing to do at all. We yearn for a time like this, but I am hating it right now. I always wanted to take a break willingly. But this is the pits.

More later...

What A Day!!!

One of my closest friends left India for Singapore about 2 years ago. She tries to come across once a year and we are constantly in touch. As a surprise move, she landed up in India a week ago. I met her today. In fact, she came home unannounced. Not that I care...I actually liked it. She brought along with her an old friend of hers. I know him too, so it was great. We caught up on old times and basically talked about everything under the sun. I desperately needed this change. Staying cooped up at home is depressing.

We went out for a nice, but expensive Italian lunch. I ate cheesy baked pasta and drank iced tea. I have to compensate for all that by eating minimal amounts of food in the coming 2 weeks. Maybe I'll move my butt and start going for walks. But the weather is back to being killing. The nice breezy weather seems to be a thing of the past now. Help me!!! My jeans don't fit anymore!!!

"He" Came!!!

As luck would have it, "he" came to meet me. I didn't really expect him to land up. The distance is quite a bit to get up and come over on a whim. But "he" did!!! It was so wonderful. All my worries were gone. I was happy again. We went out for an hour or so. A long walk, the most brilliant thing I could have asked for. He left at dinner time, though most reluctantly for both of us. "He" met up with an old friend. I wanted to go too. But a family dinner was on the cards...

A month and a half more until we're together again, with no qualms about rules and other committments!!!

The weather outside is brilliant. No sun, and a cool breeze. I spoke to "him" on the phone. But I doubt there's any way we can meet up today... Let's wait and see what happens.

Ho Hum

Long day...and it's only 4 o'clock in the evening. I was barely 2 kms away from "him" and yet couldn't meet him. "He's" not here next week. And that means we'll have to go a whole 3 weeks before we get to see each other again. I'm complaining simply because I find it silly that I'm restricted by rules at home. Ironically, the rules are implied. One can interpret them as one wishes. But with my luck, I always get screwed.

I was at my grandparents' place today. Aunt and cousin came along too. Did nothing. Slept prior to lunch while everyone else enjoyed each other's company. I barely ate anything for lunch. Nibbled on things. The diet's still on, sort of. And I choose not to eat when I'm sulking. It's my way of showing defiance. Post lunch I watched TV all alone. Am back home now...as bored as ever. I need to study, but can't find the motivation to. I want to read, but I'm feeling sick too.

"He" said he'd come home to meet me in the evening. I don't know how everyone will take it. "He's" more than welcome at home, but I know everyone grudges me even a little bit of happiness here. I may go out for a walk with "him", or maybe a cup of coffee sounds nice. Can coffee (minus the sugar and milk) make you fat?

I Feel...

In a span of a few hours I'm back again. I guess this is the only place I can talk (in a certain sense) and not feel like I'm talking to myself. However, lately, I do feel like I'm slipping into some realm of insanity. Like right now, for instance, I feel empty. It's as though someone came and sucked the life out of me. I feel sick now just thinking about the state I'm in. My mind's drawing a complete blank and moving is torturous. I can see my bed from where I'm sitting. I can see the book I've been reading these days too. But it seems like too much effort to get up and go there. I want to read, but I can't. My head hurts and my eyes are burning and swollen up. Crying does seem to have a bad influence on the way you feel. I feel like I'm trapped...

Suffocation

I've finally had enough. I'm almost 22 and I should be allowed to make my own decisions. Somehow that's not happening. I wanted to go out in the evening to meet up with my new batchmates. But my plan was thrown out of the window even before the details were brought to light. Thankfully, the plan was postponed to next week. But the person I wanted to go with won't be in town for that. So I guess I won't end up going.

Then, another plan was made. Lunch was meant to be out for me tomorrow. While my mother and sister spent the day at my grandparent's place, I was supposed to meet "him" for lunch. Yet again, my plan was trashed.

I've sat at home for almost 3 months now. I feel so wasted. The only genuine chance I get to go out for sometime is over the weekend, usually on a Saturday. I wanted to travel to Bombay to meet a close friend. He's someone who knows exactly what I'm going through, for he's being put through a similar misery. We're in it together. But they said I was "too young" to travel alone. Apparently I'm not old enough to take a 2 hour flight to meet a friend.

The funny part is that I don't seem to have any power in my life. I'm living my life on someone else's terms. And then people talk about having an "Identity Crisis"!!!

Spirit

I finally got too tired to fight anymore. I'm not one to give up. But when all of them surround you and leave no way to escape, you have no option but to succumb to them. I did resist for a long time. Even when there seemed no way out. But they seemed hell bent on having their way. I ended up bowing my head to them. But not once did I admit that I was wrong, for I never was.

Well, here I am at home. I'm supposed to be "recuperating" but am far from it. I'm due at the Hell Hole in another 2 months. Am I looking forward to it? Ironically, I am.

Lyrics from one of my favourite songs remind me of a better time:

"When the going starts to get rough
And you feel like you've had enough
Let the music take control of your soul
Take a chance and do what you feel
You're a force they cannot live without it
You gotta break the chain yeah yeah
There's a passion inside
An inner strength that drives
Can't nobody take that away from you
It's the greatest high
You set the floor on fire
When you come alive"

I seem to have lost some part of my spirit the day I stopped dancing. I confess that I wasn't amongst the best they had. But I loved being there. For that little amount of time I forgot what or who was around me. Once the music played it was heaven. I've tried many times to match that atmosphere. But all in vain.

The other part of my spirit was lost when I had to cut short my life-long dream. In fact, I didn't really have to cut it short - prolong it is what I had to do. Either way...the damage has been done.

On Tenterhooks

Well...the first question that you may ask about this entry is it's unusual name. Mine is not one that is self explanatory. So allow me to guide you through this.

As human beings we're always waiting for results. It's all a part of life. When we're in school and in college we anxiously await exam results. When we venture out of the education system and attempt to make a living, we are anxious about our next salary raise or promotion. Mostly, however, we lie in wait for a more lucrative opportunity to present itself. And the thread of anxiety continues throughout. When you fall in love - Will he/she? Won't he/she? When you get married and have a baby - Will it be a boy or a girl?

Basically, we live life on tenterhooks. We always wait in anticipation for what lies ahead. We are constantly awaiting the fruits of our labour (provided we put in any). So it seems apt for me to name my blog after an inseparable part of human nature. This is what we are, and perhaps this is what I'll end up presenting as part of my musings here. I hope you enjoy the ride!!!